First of all, there are too many different types of coins. It was cute back in 1976 when they introduced the Bicentennial Quarter for a single year, but now we get a new quarter every four months under the Mint’s 50 State Quarter program.

And, you probably didn’t notice this, but we got five new designs for the nickel starting in 2004. Five new designs for a five-cent coin? Is this an attempt to frustrate an international ring of coin counterfeiters? Wouldn’t it just be easier to tell the counterfeiters that the coin is only worth five cents?

And now I read that the penny is going to be redesigned in 2009. What’s the point in redesigning a coin that people leave behind at the counter? Today, in 2007, the penny is so worthless that homeless people will spit at you if you try to give them one. With inflation, I think it’s safe to assume that by 2009 it will be a crime to try to pay for something in pennies.

Then, there’s the hopeless saga of the dollar coin.

Poor Susan B. Anthony! It was a big deal and a sign of progress when stodgy and old-fashioned US currency was spruced up in 1979 when they put a woman on the new dollar coin. I love Susan B. Anthony. She’s an American hero and was a perfect choice to be on US currency. Unfortunately for Ms. Anthony, they gave her coin a terrible design that looked, smelled, felt, sounded and tasted exactly like the quarter. Even her head looked just like George Washington’s on the quarter. And, in a design element that can only be explained by the popularity of LSD in the 1970’s, the coin’s reverse had the same damn eagle that’s on the quarter, except the eagle on the Susan B. Anthony dollar is flying on the moon. Yes, it was flying on the moon.

Twenty years later, they tried again. Democrats in Congress insisted that they keep a woman on the coin. but the GOP couldn’t think of any female conservative heroes they wanted on the coin. So we ended up with Sacagawea. That one failed as well. And then in 2005, they tried again, with the Presidential dollar coin series (coins to be released starting this month), and this time the only woman that the GOP could agree to was the Statue of Liberty, which is on the back of the new coin. (Apparently the GOP forgot that Lady Liberty is French).

Under the new presidential dollar coin program, there will be a different coin design for every president of the United States. This means the Mint will issue a newly designed dollar coin which nobody will use every four months.

And with quantity, you lose quality. Take a look at the coin design used to honor poor James Madison:

My God, can you imagine carrying this coin in your pocket? No doubt his mangled, cat-like face would scare the other coins. He looks like a deranged madman. I can just imagine a nervous Abraham Lincoln penny finding it’s way to the cell phone in my pocket and dialing 911.

Finally, one thing I’ve always liked about US coins is the way they were cagey about telling you how much they were worth. No numerals. The best example of this is the ten cent piece. Instead of telling you what it’s worth, it just says “one dime.”

And, as if trying to pull a fast one, it’s smaller than the nickel, ensuring that the visiting tourist can never guess the value. The new dollar coin is more worldly, minted with a base and common “$1″ printed on the reverse. I suppose this change would be helpful for tourists — that is, if people actually used the new dollar coin, which of course they won’t.

[Update 3/15/2007 – Slate Magazine has a new, well-reasoned article advocating that the paper dollar be scrapped to encourage people to use dollar coins.}